The person I love doesn't feel the same as I do for him
by Samantha
(California)
Question:I'm married to a man who loves me totally and we agreed, after 30 years together that we trusted each other enough to 'explore' sexual experiences with other people. The rules were: 1) Don't get a disease and bring it home...and 2) Don't fall in love. I broke rule number 2. I fell in love with someone other than my husband, but this man says he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him. My gut tells me he is only saying that because he doesn't want to be a home-wrecker. I honestly believe he really loves me too...even though he denies it.
Both are great men, and I feel love for them both and gratitude that they are in my life, but I feel stronger about the new man than I do for my husband. The new man introduced me to "The Secret" and the Law Of Attraction. I also read "The Power" and have been trying to live by it all, but despite my total love and desire to be with the new man, who I love more than I can explain, he has cut me off, totally and completely because I told my husband I broke Rule 2. My husband said he knew I loved the new man and had been contemplating divorce, although he really didn't want that.
I asked The Universe to help me figure it all out and I believed...but the new man has stopped communicating with me. I don't know what to think anymore. Trying to stay positive is so hard when all I want to do is cry over my lost lover.
Real Life LoA Answer: Hi Samantha,
Wow, that's a really tough one – it's a HUGE subject and has multiple facets (as I am sure you know, because you are living it) but I will do my best to give you some of Law of Attraction perspective on the situation.
First of all, let me start by saying that I am sorry you are feeling so much pain – feeling caught up in the middle of love for different people, and feeling like your heart is being torn in two is really awful! I'm sorry. And you are right that trying to stay positive doesn't help, it can actually make it worse, and hurt more. ...But there is hope.
In the beginning of relationships, people get that "falling in love" feeling because they find it very easy to do the sorts of things that cause them each to connect with Source Energy: Focusing on positive the aspects of another person, flowing love and feelings of adoration toward the other, excitedly imagining yourself enjoying time with the other person, feeling really good about yourself, and having experiences that result in lots of feelings of appreciation.
These actions and experiences cause the partners to connect with each other, but the feelings of love are actually generated because of the individual connections of each person with Source Energy (not because of anything the other person is doing.)
It's kind of like you are both turning on a "love hose", and are both spraying "love water" all over the place, and because you are enjoying being so wet with "love water", you think you feel that way because the other person is spraying you. The fact is that you are wet because of the "love water" itself, and it is the water that is causing you to feel that way, not the person who is spraying it. In truth, it is the "love water" that is coming from your OWN hose that is causing YOU to feel so good and wet, but, because you are both spraying it simultaneously, it (mistakenly) feels like the other person is doing it to you.
You experience love because of who you choose to flow love to, so, from the Law of Attraction perspective, you can really "be in love" with anyone. But, I know, that is sometimes easier said than done.
The video below, though not exactly referring to your situation includes a great Abraham audio for you to hear, because the advice they give also applies to you – there is not only one man for you in the Universe. There are many potential people who you could partner with and form the basis of the relationship of your dreams. And the specific one that you choose to do that with, and play with, and have fun with is almost entirely dependent on who you CHOOSE to be actively appreciating and flowing your love toward.
Sometimes the role of others' is just to briefly flit through your life to bring you a gift, some new knowledge, or more clarity about what your heart TRULY desires on a deeper level – that doesn't necessarily mean that the specific person is supposed to be in your life forever.
In this case, you have no choice but to believe what he is telling you. Even if he is not in a position to be able to be honest with himself about what his true feelings really are, for you to try to convince yourself of that, and wait for him to "see the light" is "arguing with reality" (and that is always a losing game, unfortunately.)
What you can do instead is use that relationship as the catalyst to attract something even better – use it to identify the best qualities of what you want to attract next, no matter who it is with. The Law of Attraction will always bring you either what you want, eventually, or something EVEN BETTER, so start imagining what that is:
What are your favorite aspects of the relationship you had with him?
What are his best qualities, that ones that you like the most?
What are some of his negative traits, what would you change about him if you could? (...and, even more importantly, what is the opposite of those traits, the qualities you would prefer in your ideal partner?)
What are your favorite traits and qualities that you experienced in your relationship with your husband?
Every relationship you have EVER had is contributing you’re your ideal of what the best relationship for you is going to be, and the Law of Attraction is always in the process of working it out in your favor. To paraphrase Abraham from the video above – you WILL like the end of the movie that the Universe has worked out for you! You have created it from ALL of your past desires, so, no matter which specific person you end up in a relationship with, or when it resolves itself, it WILL be a relationship and a partner that you ADORE! Really.
This Abraham Hicks video below (from their 2011 Australia/New Zealand Cruise) also has very good advice for your situation (even though the relationship the person on the hot-seat is referring to is different from yours.) The gist of it is that you have to generate feelings of Peace and joy in your own heart regardless of the person you are loving and/or with whom you are in an active relationship with. It will also give you some more specific ideas about HOW the Law of Attraction is working in the background, for your benefit, and how you can still be in the process of attracting the best relationship for you even when it temporarily feels like it is not working out the way you want...
You asked the Universe to help figure it out, and then the situation shifted to the other man stopping communication. That is important information for you; that you attracted to help you with your question. The Universe is always tending in your favor – everything is always working out for YOUR benefit.
Though it hurts right now, how might this actually be working out to be the best thing for you? That is a real question. Take some time, right now, and write in your journal answering these questions for yourself:
How could this be exactly what I most need?
How might this be actually working out in my favor in the long run?
What if this is leading me to the best possible situation for me – what would that look like?
What could be even better than having things work out the way I originally wanted them to?
What would it be like/look like/feel like if this situation ended up leading to the dream relationship that I have always wanted (with either person, or maybe even someone else?)
I sincerely hope this all helps you to feel better. Even though there is some confusion and pain right now, you ARE on the right track. Really. This situation will prove itself to have been something essential to your growth, knowledge, clarity, joy and ability to love in the future relationships you are creating. You are a beautiful, amazing, special, precious, magnificent, loving, gifted, creative and divine soul who is simply expanding in your capacity for deeply satisfying love right now. THAT is where this situation is leading you – have total faith in that truth.
Thank you for all of the great info and help Andrea. Things have changed drastically for me and I now know for certain that the man I fell in love with NEVER loved me at all. He WAS being honest when he said it was all purely physical. I don't know how to turn off the 'love hose' though. All my thoughts and feelings are still revolving around how I feel for him and how I fooled myself into believing he felt the same.
I would still like to be friends with him but seeing him and even seeing friends we have in common now is even more painful than it was before. My thought was to dis-associate myself from them all to spare me the pain and just try to forget it ever happened but these are all great people who I have come to know and love and they don't know the details of our relationship. I will take it one day at a time and try to find some logic in it, I suppose but for now it still hurts so bad.
Aug 29, 2011 Rating
I'm really glad it helped some! by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator
Hi Samantha,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and post a comment about the answer I gave to your question. I was just thinking in the shower this morning how very much I appreciate feedback and knowing whether or not the information is helping at all, thank you!
With regard to turning off the "love hose", you cannot really do that (nor would you actually want to do so.) What you want to start to do instead, is practice directing it at other people - aim it at other friends, at your husband, at colleagues, etc., by appreciating them, looking for THEIR positive aspects, imagining yourself having fun with them, and seeking out a new sense of "adventure" in exploring new, fun facets of "old" relationships rather than mourning the loss/change of the one with this particular man.
When a change happens that initially seems bad, or uncomfortable, the Law of Attraction is ALWAYS trying to put something even better for you in it's place. Always. To feel better about it, start looking for things, situations, people, and relationships that could be even better, and/or the ways in which you are becoming "too busy being interested in something new" to have time to care... Then your feelings will shift.
Blessings to you Samantha, please keep us posted!!
Andrea
Apr 24, 2015 Rating
Having similar trouble but a gay man by: Armando
Andrea,
What if this situation happened with a same sex couple. Two guys for instance. I've been seeing this guy on and of for 3 month. This sort of "casual" dating. Were going on dates 4 days a week. He comes to a birthday party and things were even better. A well later I go over to his house late at night we watch movies while cuddling on the couch... We then proceed to his bedroom where we both got a bit heated and nude. No sex occurred- fondling kissing, but it confused me when he said he did drugs and if I liked them. I believe that he was talking about other drugs that marihuana I have to be honest I use to partake in marijuana but don't anymore. He then stopped after that, we got dressed and I went home. We didn't for a whole week, then hung out again. His body language was different we didn't kiss or hug afterwards and he was talking while walking away. Maybe I'm a bit naive but I still tried to be a friend not change him but my guy was telling me to let go there is a red flag there. Then another 2.5 weeks go by and we don't see each other and or text. I had a gut feeling he was seeing someone else. Call me crazy but I did use my google number to text him and he responded. His intentions were only to have a Fwb... I got to close to him and he backed off. He said that he's not good at bad new and it would be like kicking a puppy that's he's not into me anymore. What should I do? Shall I tell him what I've found out am I crazy for doing that. It seemed for the first time after 4 years of being single that he would be a good fit. I'm 29 but had a lot of relationships where I've been cheated on or ender quickly because of sex or losing interest
What are you thought!!!
Apr 28, 2015 Rating
It's exactly the same dynamic, regardless of gender by: Andrea, RLLoA moderator
Hello Armando,
I hear you, I really hear what you are saying! As I read your comment I felt like I was reading the exact situation I once went through myself, with somebody I was deeply attracted to, and wanted to be with very much, but he liked to do drugs, and I did not. It has nothing to do with the gender of the people involved; it's just lining up similar energetic intentions (or not.)
As a side note, there is nothing morally wrong with doing drugs from the Law of Attraction perspective, but usually, for people who can generate their own feelings of joy, fun, playfulness, love, and have a sense of satisfaction with life, drugs are an unnecessary distraction. So, if your inclination is to not waste your time with drugs, then good! Stick to your own inner knowing -- I acknowledge you for your strength of heart and character!
But, in my story (and yours, from what I can read in your words) the drugs aren't even the real issue. The real challenge is that as soon as this guy didn't get what he wanted from you he turned cold. That is the Universe's way of telling you that he is NOT the right man for you!
Everything that ever happens is happening FOR you, not TO you... So, if this guy is walking away, it is because the Universe is trying to get him out of your life and bring you somebody better for you -- somebody YOU will like even better -- I promise!
Believe what he (and the Universe) is telling you with his actions, and look around you for people, things, and qualities you experience from friends, that you like even better than his.
Start to appreciate the traits you really want in your ideal partner, even if the people you see around you who have those traits would not ever actually be your partner:
* You see a married woman being kind and affectionate with her husband -- say to yourself: "That's for me! I want that kind of affection in my relationship!"
* You see a grandfather laughing with his grandchild -- say to yourself: "That's for me! I want that kind of humor, laughter, and fun in my relationship!"
* You see someone you think is very physically attractive -- say to yourself: "That's for me! I want that kind of attraction in my relationship!"
* You see a shop-owner yelling angrily at his customer -- say to yourself: "That's NOT my reality! My reality is to have open communication, warm dialogue, and mutual understanding in my relationship!"
* You see a group of girls doing an activity they love together -- say to yourself: "That's for me! I want that kind of shared interests in my relationship!"
These are just examples, but you can look for the qualities and traits of your IDEAL relationship in everybody. Not everybody is going to be the actual person you end up with, but you are telling the Universe that you are paying attention!
You know in your heart that this most recent guy wasn't the right one for you, despite how attracted you were to him. Now it's up to you to let the Universe help you move toward the REAL right man for you by moving on yourself.
In the meantime, do your best to be as happy and busy, happy and busy, happy and busy as you can possibly be, doing things that are fun for YOU, and you will be attracting good people yourself faster than you know it!
Blessings to you Armando, you're on the right track, and your real love is looking for you just as surely as you are looking for him!
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